The Great Armadillo War

In my youth, I was an idealist who thought being a pacifist had its merits. Part of that meant believing that killing anything without a good reason was wrong. I'm the kind of person who catches spiders and puts them outside, or at least, I was until I became the grandmother of a child terrified of them. Now, if he's around, nothing will do but that I dispatch it with vigor.

Living in a small community, we've done our share of feeding baby possums and adult raccoons, skunks and armadillos. Live and let live was my motto.

And then I became a serious gardener and began to invest a significant amount of money and energy in plants. Last year, I'd wake up and go outside to enjoy the morning air while I looked at all the flowers. I began to notice plugs of soil missing. Then I noticed plants dug up and left with bare roots exposed.

A little research led me to the conclusion that armadillos had turned our yard into a grubstake. Literally. Armadillos are mad for grubs, and will dig wherever they can find them - which includes well-moistened flower beds. They are so blind and hard-of-hearing that it's easy to sneak up on them. I started doing just that, throwing a big, heavy clay pot over them, then sliding a board under it and taking them for a little ride in the back of the pickup. That way, my conscious was clear and the armadillo was gone. At least for a while. They probably used 'dillo radar and headed straight back home. Have you ever seen an armadillo run? Those suckers are fast.

The humane way proved futile. My husband said, let me take care of it. I knew that meant a bullet was involved. No way, I said.

This weekend, I walked out back to our pretty little garden to find some annuals that had made it through three years without dying lying wilted on the ground, their roots like little skeletons, burned to a crisp. I went inside and told Joel, "The peace treaty is off. You have my permission to kill the little bastards!"

Of course, we haven't - and won't. But I'm seriously thinking about investing in some humane traps. Of course, then we'll have to do something with the hapless critters. Anyone want to go into armadillo farming?